a couple poems from freshman year in high school lol

My Warning
One day
In this frosted, icy cold world
That causes passionate homicides
You
My melancholy frustration, a prophesized thorn
Along with your lost name
That lost name still waiting for its presumed tomorrow
Will be cornered
Like a mouse cowering in disquietude
When confronted by a feline
I will turn off the illumination
On your end of this tunnel called life
But keep up your weary head
Cause the sunset on your time hasn't come yet
Don't despair
Cause you still have a chance before I force you
To crawl away for good
You still have a chance to show me the way
To dissolve this painful hope
With an overwhelming pin
Show me the way
Which path to take?
The left or the right
Might be the wrong
Remember, you fed me pain
And now I will decide what's worthwhile
My formulated patience
Is coming to a meticulous end
It is only temporarily muzzled
By my own fear


You- (You who should know who you are but you don't)

Why am i so different
or am i just too much the same
as everyone else
Why can't you like me
Why do you hate me
What did i do
I tried so hard
now my energy is gone from trying
and i don't have any left to listen to you
Especially when all you say is "You're wrong"

Don't you see me hurting
Don't you care at all
I can't listen to you anymore
as you ramble on
about how pathetic i am

I look into your eyes
and see a knife
moving toward my throat
The hand holding it trembles then steadies itself
It is my hand

I cut myself and bleed like i never had before
I look at you
Expecting help
But to my surprise (no, its no surprise)
you still stand there
telling me i've done everything wrong

As i stand in a giant puddle
filled with blood and tears i'm nearly drowning in
i wonder if you even know that something's wrong
Do you even see i'm dieing

I'll be gone soon
Much sooner than you think
How much longer did you really think
i'd be able to take this
The feel of the knife through my throat
didn't hurt as i thought it would
all the stress flew out my neck
followed closely by my blood
Here i go, i finally see that white light
I've been waiting to see that light so long
I fall to the floor
And you just walk away
thinking you've merely won another argument
when you've won so much more
I'm gone!
Don't you see how happy you'll be

I look away from your eyes
the blood and knife disappear
they'll be back though
and anyway,
all the tears are still here to drown me

Take Away the Ashes (a sestina)

They say our bones can be broke with stones and sticks
but harsh words are never enough to strip
anyone, as if their heart's been pierced by something sharp
And the lacerated organ shoved to swelter through a fire
So nothing is left but pain and ashes
Ans hope and trust suffer attrition to fear

But they're wrong because from words come some of our greatest fears
And the sorrow that follows won't go away, it sticks
Evil winds come along and into your face they blow the ashes
of everyone who has found a way to take your pride, and strip
it away and carelessly toss it to the fire
You feel nothing but the loss and burn, the pain is sharp

The heartbreaking sobs, the music of my life, hit a sharp
All I have left is that solitude that I fear
The demons of the world laugh and open fire
Shooting their arrows, guilt and regret, they stick
in my side and as I rip them out, the strips
of flesh hurt so bad it feels so good, cleansing ashes

As all I am turns to less than worthless ash
I see I'm no comparison to everyone else dressed so sharp
I lie on the floor in strips
Of what used to be me but I fear
This is what everyone wants, for me to be a twig, a stick
Merely fodder for the fire

Inside me there's this passion, raging like a fire
Some see it only creating ash
and consuming things we need, but no one needs sticks
I'm pretty smart, pretty sharp
I understand their fear
But this hope for no more homicidal words can't be stripped

I refuse to let you strip
this life from me, its my job and I won't be fired
No more fear
No more ash
No more daggers so sharp
Dull them down so they can no longer stick

Strip away my fear
Don't let it stick so sharp
Let the only ashes I know be from physical fire

slits (a villanelle)

Scribbles, scratches painted black and red
Years ago no one believed me
When the hurt first filled my head

Found one way to escape the dread
Filled my world with art so free
Scribbles, scratches painted black and red

They started out with pad and pen
Merely drawings of what might be
The macabre scenes constantly going through my head

Soon my flesh was the canvas instead
Of doodles and drawings that used to be seen
Scribbles, scratches painted black and red

You don't care what grounds I tread
Tell me its just something in your genes
That careless thoughts don't always ruminate through your head

My tender heart is what has bled
And all I wanted was someone on which to lean
Scribbles, scratches painted black and red
All because I couldn't get you out of my head

Broken

Stripped from its normal position
It began to race about
Exciting at first was its transition
Til it began to scream and shout

Betrayal shot its eldritch gun
Deceit slit with bare hands
What once was merely one
Now divided like grains of sand

Pick up all the pieces
Scattered across the floor
Cry out "Someone ease this!"
Though it can be whole no more

How could someone do this
Kill such an innocent heart
Could he really be that selfish
To hurt you with such art

Where I'm From

I am from Salix babylonica
the weeping willow
The ethereal tree that nurtured my childhood
reached for me with its limbs
wispy yet colossal
taught me how to grow

I am from lawn ornaments
from their fiberglass and cement foundations
Statues amazingly large in size
welcomed in by the willow
to stand proudly on the front lawn
while the humble willow stands
somewhat disparaged
in the back yard

I am from Picea pungens, Pinus strobus, and Abies fraseri
blue spruce, white pine, and fraser fir
From the branches
of my various tree-selling relatives that sold them
From the seeds planted
on all of their farms
waiting for them to blossom
forming amazing young trees
and strong, beautiful children
to someday plant seeds of their own

Since loving me
it has been cut down
But in my mind
the willow burgeons
Spreading its wonderful blossoms of love
throughout the needy world

In the end
When all else dies
I am still from the willow

today i cry for stupid reasons

today i cry for stupid reasons
things i can do nothing about
they are not in my hands

today i cry for stupid reasons
everyone else wants to blame them on hormones
i know its more, i'm not telling

today i cry for stupid reasons
about things that will probably never change
about things my whole being wants to change

today i cry for stupid reasons
and as i do, the tears fall, unseen
it makes them hurt more than anything

today i cry for stupid reasons
reasons certain and unsure
reasons always wanting more

today i cry for stupid reasons
and once again i long for him to appear
i just need him to make everything ok

today i cry for stupid reasons
i hate myself for it
and i want everyone else to hate me too

today i cry for stupid reasons
all the times i thought things would never be the same were lies,
things are always the same

today i cry for stupid reasons
just like i did yesterday and the day before
just like i will on this earth forevermore

today i cry for stupid reasons
for the love that i refuse
and for the refusal of my love

solution

Jesus, you are all i feel
And I know
you are all thats real
I'm completed in shock
at how much you love
You are my Rock
You're all that i know

life is to be lived

I thought i had met
the man of my dreams
But in my dreams
he never pushed me away
'He's human too,'
I tell myself,
'maybe he's just scared.'
If he is, its him...
but it could be me.
Is it me or him?
I cant ask
So I just sit and wait,
hurt and alone,
until I see what fate
has to say

not sure where exactly i'm going with this

so, that is what you want?
you want her?
how can she attract you with such feeble lurings?
what about me?
what can't i give?
why don't i please you?

everyone wants someone else
someone other than me
its always something
that i have or dont have
something i can do nothing about
that turns them all away

more musings from dazing off in philosophy

what does love need to thrive?
where does attraction come from?
what must there be between two
to bring forth that which may
blossom from friendship?
why do things work?
why do things break?
what should be avoided
upon the dawning of a new day?

High hopes for this song one day, wrote it quite some time ago

From the inerds of an insane asylum
You can hear screams
come creeping, crawling
from cell 301
"I saw it happen
Yes, I was there
I saw the murder
But it wasn't me
This I swear"

From the shadows of a long, dark alley
You can hear whispers
creeping, crawling
behind the trash cans there
'She lost her baby
It wasn't her choice at all
they made her give it up
And in the end
she lost her mind with it'

All of you hiding in the corners
Do you hear screams
they're creeping, crawling
round your own front door
They need your pity
They need your love
And as you turn away
You mutter, 'I've done enough'

Challenge, conviction, and unrest

So, in the past month or so and even more specifically the past week or two, I have realized how ungrounded my personal beliefs are. This is encouraging to me because it gives me things to ponder and work at. For a while I didnt quite know where to go; I know I'm nowhere near perfect, but didnt know what to work at (other than eliminating my massive amounts of procrastination, which also happens to be why i'm blogging right now... procrastionation haha). I am glad to have finally found friends who, though we all believe the same thing in general because we are bound by a common faith, are all looking at life from VERY different perspectives. I think this is currently my favorite thing about Malone. I am definitely learning more surrounding class than within the class material- I find it extremely intriguing that there can be SO many different beliefs amongst Christians. I am enjoying this realization and the applications it has to me. There is, in fact, no one person I fully agree with. Although I do tend to side with the same people the majority of the time, there will always be that defining moment where I step back and realize just how different each individual being is. This is the beauty of creation. I greatly appreciate those of you who are that particular type of person living with no regrets, but rather just being yourself, and balancing that with completely loving others who do the same.

another one bites the dust

thats the way the cookie crumbles...
so put that in your pipe & smoke it

it is better to have loved and been hurt than to never have loved at all
and there are plenty of fish in the sea

and grandma said there are plenty of seashells on the seashore...
i love you gramma RIP


thanks to an old friend popping up when i least expected, i can add the following to this -

if the hunt is too easy
it spoils the treasure
and though the hunt may be rough
it is necessary
cause you have to take the bad with the good
live out the yin yang

someday

God I can feel you
running through
me
God I can hold your love
in my
heart
And though the world
breaks down
around me...
I feel your grace
And know
Someday
I'll be home

what a relief!

i finally decided on a major, and it REALLY DID feel like weights were pulled off my shoulders!!! amazing :) plus i dropped a class i wasnt doin well in that i need a different credit for my major anyway, so the rest of this semester should be pretty nice! thank You God for being there and helping me through all this, You are my only hope... i love You

...and the bad parts like to kick you where it counts :(

so... yup, my life is spinning out of control - at least mentally. i can't keep things straight anymore, and my motivation for things that need to get done evaporates too quickly. my lack of effort is making me think that my parents might pull me out of school and that would be thee worst! i want to be here... i want a lot of things, but for some reason i can't keep all of that under control. i wish there was a little more certainty in my life and i hate to say that cuz God doesn't change and i trust him, but i just don't know when i'm supposed to be waiting for his direction and when i'm supposed to just know and go with it... i can't concentrate cuz there are always SO many different questions flying through my mind IDK maybe all i need is to buckle down and quit this "normal" college student attitude... i guess i'll just have to see, prayers are so much more than welcome... God please give me some direction

mmmmm... the good parts of life are oh so good :)

there are SO many things i love about malone! SO SO many lol... but one of the nicest things for me personally is that i've finally been finding people who feel the same as i do about so many different things. and most recently i've found out that one of my friends here feels almost EXACLTY the same way i do about several things, which is beyond awesome! i also found out that we both seem to think the same way - almost too deep, because people tend to never be able to understand us hahaha... but anyway, yeah, God has definitely been blessing me lately by throwing some really great people in my life at just the right time! i love my friends and have no clue what i would do without them... other things i love about malone - freedom (compare us to cedarville, you will understand); christian context of the school, dorms, classes & profs; Celebration(!); the plays(they seem to always be good (:); the band & CHORALE!!! woot! ... there are more things i could rant on, but this is probably obnoxiously too optimistic already hahaha... i'm out

Struggle

How does one suppress
what is ineluctably there
Fight and dull the sense
force out any care
Fill the mind with other things
vain though they might be
And even still the future brings
that same ghastly uncertainty

To: Anonymous

I look into your eyes
and feel illiterate.
There is so much to learn,
but i can't understand.
I want to ask you.
Fear of rejection
holds me.
And I just wanna be held by you.

Dawn

Sara's hurt
She loved & it wasn't returned
Didn't do a thing wrong
but she still got burned

Brittany's stuck
She's stuck in a rut
she doesnt really love at all but thats the problem
And she knows in her gut

Life goes on
Even when you dont want it to
Even when its got its hold on you
It'll drag you on
And the next day dawns

Steven's lost
He's lost in this game
Waitin for someone to love him like his momma
but it just isnt the same

Ben is dazed
Alone & confused
Pushin every form of love away
Cuz he just gets used

Love goes on
Even when you dont want it to
Even when its got its hold on you
It'll drag you on
And the next day dawns

One day they'll learn
One day they'll all learn
If two people wanna love
You need more than just sacrifice
from one side
There's a little piece of magic
called compromise
Giving AND getting

Life goes on
Even when you dont want it to
Even when its got its hold on you
It'll drag you on
And the next day dawns